If your local clergyman claims that the gods performed a sex change on him, you may want to think about converting. A 25-year-old South African priest claimed to have been mysteriously turned into a woman by the gods, alleging that he gave birth to a baby girl. Hundreds of village people (not to be confused with The Village People) gathered where the baby was to be introduced to the community, but were told that the priest had been arrested.
Police reported that the priest had approached a pregnant woman in the village and told her that her womb contained a python. The woman began to consult the priest to perform rituals on her until she delivered. When in labor, the priest told the woman not to look at the python so as to avoid birthing more pythons. The priest then carried the ‘python’ in a cloth to a nearby bush to bury it.
Later, the mother learned that the priest was claiming to have given birth to a baby girl and had held a naming ceremony. Suspicious, the woman went to her medical doctor who had taken her through the prenatal process before she had been in touch with the priest. The medical doctor informed her that the priest lied; prenatal tests showed that her womb contained a real fetus, not a python after all (shocker). Police arrested the priest, who then admitted he had tricked the biological mother of the baby he’d stolen.
The priest still maintains that he was sleeping one night when he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his waist and realized with shock that his penis had disappeared and in its place he had a vagina.
The Vag Pag: Whose Is Fairest of Them All?
Remember the good old days of slumber parties when girls used to compare their breasts?
Bringin’ it back and kickin it up a notch, The Annual Vagina Pageant, AKA The Vag Pag, took place last month at Club Rouge in Portland, OR.
With a cash prize of $500 (nothing to queef at), pussies galore filled the strip club to snatch the title, Miss Beautiful Vagina 2011.
Hosted by DJ Dick Hennessy, the word was spread (eagle) by the use of The Vagina Mobile; a clear breakthrough in (gr)assroots Marketing.
Goody bags for attendees included anti-bacterial sex-toy cleaner, condoms, lube, and Beav-R-Light; a non-toxic luminous gel for vagina that’s not afraid to glow in the dark.
Six (local) celebrities were invited as judges and rated the various vaginas with laminated scorecards. Sadly, the crowned Miss Beautiful Vagina 2011′s face seem to pale in comparison to her lady parts…
What could be worse than when your fave sex toy goes missing? How about if your little friend calls the attention of the local bomb squad? A sex toy sparked terror in Russia when the bomb squad was summoned to defuse a suspicious package. A postal office worker reported that the package was ‘emitting a bizarre ticking noise‘ and contacted local authorities.
The entire building was then shut down and evacuated, only for the bomb squad to discover that the box contained only a vibrator that had been turned on ‘by accident‘. No news whether the shipment ever reached its final destination: a Russian vagina.
…And change, and a small Mexican family. Police apprehended a woman from PA after she crashed her car while robbing a local inn. The search that ensued resulted in the discovery of a sizable stash of drugs and cash hidden in her vagina. According to a report in the Scranton Times-Tribune, authorities were called to the scene of a car accident where the suspect was arrested on suspicion of theft.
Initially, police found only three bags of heroin in her jacket. But after they escorted the woman to the station, the police noticed her fidgeting in the back seat (presumably with her vagina). She then admitted to police that she had more drugs in her genitals.
The doctor who performed the second search removed 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, eight prescription pills and $51.22 in cash and change. (Frankly, I’m impressed; clearly she’s in the wrong line of work: #vaginalmarypoppins.)
The woman was charged for possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and two counts of possession of a controlled substance. On the plus side though, she’s got a decent shot at ‘World’s Largest Snatch’ in the Guinness’ Book of World Records.
If your god isn’t instructing you to get to 3rd base with random female practitioners, you may want to consider converting. A 29-year-old “pastor” from Ghana was arrested for inserting his fingers into women’s vaginas. When on trial, he explained to the courts that God directed him to do so in order to heal them. (Sexual healing, obviously.) The pastor alleged that he belonged to the Word Miracle Church, but the church denied that he’s a church member or a prophet of their faith.
According to sources, the suspect befriended the women and invited them for prayers. He asked them to buy olive oil, with which he smeared his hands before inserting his fingers into their privates. (Clearly NOT extra virgin olive oil.) Then HE charged THEM money! (Best. Job. Ever.)
He was arrested after one of the women reported the incident to the police. One victim stated that the pastor asked her to remove her clothing during a prayer session, after which he rubbed her body with the olive oil and then fingered her. Another victim stated, “He made me pay GH¢200 for olive oil and the rest to be used as prayer request.” When the self-proclaimed man of God was asked to demonstrate how he performed healings, he said that he inserted four fingers into the women’s vaginas after greasing them with the olive oil. (Note to self: God disapproves of K-Y.) The number of complaints against the suspect is currently at seven.
Vagina Shaped Chocolates
Nothing says holidays like chocolate… shaped like vaginas! Washington State University’s V-Day club is selling chocolate vaginas until Dec. 3 to raise money to fight violence against women. Make sure you stuff your stockings this season with such gems as the ‘Pussy Cat‘ and ‘Pooky‘, on sale this week in the Compton Union Building.
Handmade by the organization, students melt chocolate wafers and pour the liquid chocolate into a vagina mold. (Who was the model, I wonder?) They offer vagina lollipops for $1 a piece or larger vaginas for $3 each. The chocolates cum in pink-dyed white chocolate (white girls), milk chocolate (Hispanic girls) or dark chocolate (black girls). Proceeds from the chocolates are donated to local and global organizations.
Smelly Vagina Ruins Woman’s Ploy for Oral
If you’re going to demand oral sex at knife-point, please make sure you’ve bathed thoroughly. A woman went to her estranged husband’s place (four doors down at the 77 Motor Inn ,of course) with a switch-blade demanding oral sex by stating,”eat my pussy.”
The husband, perhaps already wise to the goings on south of the border, declined the offer. His friend, who was also in the room, agreed to her request, until “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor” and immediately changed his mind. (Good plan.)
Outraged, the woman pointed the knife at the two and hissed, “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throats.” Authorities arrived to find the three drunk and the woman naked from the waste down. She was arrested for domestic assault and brandishing a deadly weapon. (Presumably her vagina.)
Vagina Tree Predicts Winning Lotto Numbers
If you haven’t had much luck playing the lottery, don’t give up yet; well at least not if you live in Thailand. Villagers in northern Thailand have been consulting a “magical vagina tree” for winning numbers… and amazingly enough it’s been working!
Rumor has it that a 100-year-old tamarind tree developed a “fist-sized sparkling mound” (hey, I have one too!); a treegina, if you will. Locals in the Phayao area claim they saw the numbers “008” in the trunk, played them in the lottery, and won!
Whether the tree returns any subsequent predictions remains to be seen, but the story is traveling far and wide through the region (as stories of magical vaginas often do).
Woman Shot in the Vagina…13 Times
What’s worse than a bullet to the vajayjay? How about thirteen? A woman from Cape Town, South Africa was fatally wounded when gangsters aimed and opened fired on her vagina. The 24-year-old woman and her 25-year-old former gangster boyfriend were in their house when trouble began.
The young woman answered a knock at the door and was met by four gunman. They asked for her boyfriend, but when she turned to get him, they aimed and shot at her vagina. The woman collapsed on top of her boyfriend, who was injured in the back and leg. Through her intense pain, she was able to tell her father the names of the gunmen before she passed away. Local authorities reported that they made a few arrests and opened a case of murder as well as attempted murder. Note: Don’t fuck with South African gangsters…
Tampons are the New Shot Glasses
With every new generation comes a new way to get fucked up. The latest, but perhaps not the greatest way to catch a buzz: Vodka tampons. Just take any regular tampon, soak it in vodka and shove it where the sun don’t shine. Guys, don’t worry, this can also be used rectally.
Why would anyone want to do this? It’s a good question, considering how much I, personally, love ice cold shots of The Goose. But let’s say that you don’t want to have any alcohol on your breath. Well that’s where the vodka tampon might come in handy. Also, the unprotected membranes of the vagina and anus allow alcohol to enter the bloodstream faster than the gastrointestinal track.
The first reports of alcohol consumption via the tampon is documented in the 1990s and has apparently become very popular in Europe and South America; particularly in Columbia. My main concern: Doesn’t alcohol up there burn???
