A gChat About the Legend of The Chode
5:50 PM Count Cenci: Chodes have fascinated me for years, mainly because I’m pretty sure they don’t exist.
me: Well I can say that I’ve never seen one.
Count Cenci: As heterosexual man, I have encountered penis in the locker room, but it’s not something I have studied.
5:51 PM me: It’s probably best…
Count Cenci: Here’s why I think they’re a complete fabrication: I’ve never even met a girl that HAS seen one. Except for those girls that always say things when you’re at the bar to make them sound exotic, when you know they aren’t. I used to argue vehemently that chodes did exist…mainly because I don’t want to live in a world where they don’t.
me: I concur.
Count Cenci: Just for the readers, a chode is penis that is wider than it is long. Picture an ashtray or something equivalent to that. A tiny penis is not necessarily a chode.
5:55 PM me: As a woman, I can’t see how this would be satisfying, even in porn.
Count Cenci: Can we agree that a chode almost always has to be small? Actually not even almost always; always always.
5:56 PM me: Judges? They’ll allow it!
Count Cenci: Excellent. Now to continue.
me: Have you seen a picture of one?
Count Cenci: Beat me to it, forgive the pun. I have searched the interwebs high and low and seen more tiny penises than I ever wish to. Actually more penises than I would ever want to, and not a single chode.
5:58 PM me: Well, well, well. Google doesn’t seem to have all the answers after all. I’m sure this would be a unique differentiator for Bing. Perhaps a corporate letter to tip them off – again (p)unintended. Google needs to be taken down a peg or two.
Count Cenci: You can find everything online now. I actually found some porn of a woman sticking cockroaches in her snatch. I mean everything is out there. I even asked a buddy with more Internet knowledge than I and we both agreed: No chodes on the Internet. Maybe all the poor saps that have chodes are pulling a Murdoch and demanding Google pay them.
6:00 PM So let’s making the sweeping generalization that chodes aren’t anywhere on the Internet.
me: Not even: http://chode.com/ Although that yielded interesting results…
6:01 PM Count Cenci: Yes, it did. Maybe http://chode.org? Again a strange site.
me: Yes, still not very helpful. But perhaps The Chode is like God. You can never prove its existence, but some just believe.
Count Cenci: WOW. That’s the best explanation in all my the chode conversations I’ve ever had.
me: Now we’s gettin’ deep.
Count Cenci: Was that another (p)unintentional pun?
me: If you please!
Count Cenci: I have a hypothesis about the few women who have claimed they’ve seen chodes. Again, these women said such things probably to appear more exotic. They probably encountered an unusually thick and short penis. They’re out there. Right now I am pushing my fist into my palm, where it immediately falls out. That’s the hand movement I am implying.
me: First, who in their right mind would actually admit to that? And second, well that second part made no sense.
6:10 PM Count Cenci: The penis is too thick and short to actually penetrate the vaginal wall (in this analogy my palm–and my fist being the squat dick).
me: Yes, yes I see the problem.
Count Cenci: A serious problem that probably makes less secure women feel terrible and even more insecure.
me: Sort of a round hole square peg problem. Only the square peg is just an abnormally thick cock.
6:12 PM Count Cenci: Correctamundo! 1000 Starwood points for The $@bs. You’re doing a good job cutting through my endlessly rambling brain.
6:13 PM me: I must admit, until today, I had never heard of The Chode. Frankly, I’m embarrassed.
Count Cenci: My theory/postulate/whatever is that the chode was actually invented by these women, who, when faced with a particularly think and short penis decided, “Nah fuck that. Let’s just call it a chode and make people think there are penises out there which are wider than they are long.‘ They. Do. Not. Exist.
6:17 PM me: Pls hold
6:18 PM me: And we’re back
6:19 PM Count Cenci: That was like gChat blue balls. Now I just want a camel light and a cold shower
6:20 PM me: ROFL. My apologies! But bake to chodes. I wouldn’t be sorry if they didn’t exist. I’d be fucking scarred for life if I ever actually saw one in real life. An animated one might be ok though… something by Disney?
A Canadian man had just boarded a flight when he began to feel discomfort in his groin. Inspecting himself in the bathroom, he noticed that his genitals were bleeding. (Un)Naturally he sent for a male flight attendant to examine his bloody penis. Shockingly, the flight attendant refused and instead, simply handed the passenger some tissues. Upon landing, the passenger was admitted to a local hospital where doctors diagnosed him with a ruptured vein.
The passenger now claims that the flight attendant ruined his vacation and is now suing the airline for $8,000. (It also may have had something to do with the fact that his dick was bleeding.) Even if the flight attendant acquiesced to looking at the hemorrhaging cock, what exactly did he expect someone who’s NOT a medical professional to do? Suck out the poison? The Canadian judge felt similarly and rejected the case.
Good news for sexually active 12-year-olds! A major Swiss condom manufacturer just created extra-small condoms for boys as young as 12 years of age. A standard condom has a diameter of 2 inches, while the newly created condom, known as ‘The Hotshot’, is 1.7 inches. (Actually, I can think of a few men above the age of 12 that might also benefit from this.)
The mini-condom, whose slogan is “it fits when passion hits“, was the result of research done by family planning groups and the Swiss AIDS Federation. Their studies showed that adolescent boys were not using proper protection when engaging in intercourse. Currently, the product is only offered in Switzerland and sells for 7.60 Swiss Francs per pack of six. However, a representative of the manufacturer stated that the newly developed condoms will hopefully soon be available in the UK, which has the highest rate of teen pregnancy in Europe.
Big Penis Saves Minor
Big dicks never looked so good; especially to one particular first grader. She was spared from being raped because her assailant’s penis was too big to penetrate her.
The attacker, a farmer, lured the girl in a school yard and asked her to lie down next to him on the ground. When she refused, he pulled her to the ground and removed her clothes.
Police stated that the size of the farmer’s dick was a “blessing in disguise” since he could not penetrate the victim. Instead, he just ejaculated all over the girl’s privates.
The girl reported the incident to her aunt, which led to the farmer’s arrest. Bet he wishes he stuck to sheep…
My only question regarding the case is whether inmates will rejoice or lament over the addition of the farmer’s unit to their living quarters…
Man With World’s Largest Penis Unemployed
Just exactly how large is the world’s biggest male member? According to an HBO documentary, right around 13.5 inches. It cums as no surprise then (pun intended), that the owner of this impressive piece of equipment, Jonah Falcon, is an aspiring actor.
What is surprising, however, is that he has rejected the obvious career choice for a man of his standing (on 3 legs): Porn. I know, kind of a waste of … um, natural talent. Why? Two reason: First, he stated “If I did porn, nobody would take me seriously. Nobody. And Nobody would care about the size of my penis.”
And secondly, “Because porn actors all lie about the size of their penis. I’ve been measured on TV.”
Instead he’d rather swing his thing around the unemployment line. Make sense to anyone? Yea, me neither, but apparently the man (to end all men) is still seeking employment.
I wonder if he’d consider a (very) private company…
Bedazzle Your Vagina
Who hasn’t heard of the bedazzler, which leaves even your gaudiest garment ten times tackier? Did you ever want to bedazzle a body part? How about your vagina? Well now you can with ‘Vajazzling’. If you’ve looked at your vagina and noticed a lack of rhinestones, your days of worry are over.
Popularized by NYC’s Completely Bare Spa, you can now have your freshly shorn vaj adorned with stick-on Swarovski crystals in a design of your choice. Customers can pick from a variety of designs including a starburst, a heart, or a butterfly, just to name a few.
Personally, I’d like something a little bit more elaborate and custom to decorate my sacred cave. Like maybe a recreation of the Sistine Chapel ceiling…
Click here to see vajazzling in effect!
So much more advanced than the US, Japanese electronics never cease to amaze and delight. Taking video games to the next level, Japanese adult video game developer, Waffle, has come out with a game that gives the term ‘joystick’ new meaning: ”Me Who Can’t Stop His Right Hand and Childhood Sisters” (roughly translated).
If you think this game sounds awesome(ly incestuous), you’ll be even more excited to know that it tracks how often you rub one out, how much you ejaculate, and how long it takes you to reach orgasm. It even suggests new ways to masturbate!
The one problem I have with the game is that it seems geared to men only. Where’s the women’s version? I mean, come on, a girl’s gotta eat! Am I right, Ladies? Hang on, I think I just got an idea for a new business venture… To see the full article, click here.
How to Masturbate Discreetly in Public
If you’re a natural born horn-dog and have never tried masturbating (discreetly) in public, you’re missing out. The danger of getting caught can be quite thrilling, and apparently not I’m alone in this sentiment. A recent article published by The Daily Loaf has some helpful hints on how you can get started being naughty on the down low, such as:
Hide a Vibe Lipgloss – The perfect lip color or a secret pocket rocket for your portable pleasure? Only you can tell!
Vibrating Panties – Arouse your button with just a push of a button.
Seat Massager – Recommended for men (though I don’t really get how that translates into masturbation…)
My personal favorite is the old standby “crotch hole in the overalls” trick – works every time.
For the full article, click here.
Next Olympic Sport: Pole Dancing
If you’ve even been to at least one good strip bar (and you know you have), you know that pole dancing can get pretty intense. Well it’s not just for crack whores any more. One Japanese pole dancer wants to prove that her twenty-five hours of weekly training and blister covered hands deserve attention from someone other than leering pervs. She’s one of many who are now supporting pole dancing as the next official Olympic sport.
What was once considered taboo has suddenly attracted thousands of practitioners who strive to perfect an art form previously known only to tawdry strip clubs. The founder of the International Pole Dancing Fitness Association, the sport’s mother-ship organization, stated, “There will be a day when the Olympics see pole dancing as a sport. The Olympic community needs to acknowledge the number of people doing pole fitness now.” The organization is targeting the 2012 Olympic Games as the first to include.
One of Finland’s most renown pole dance teachers compares the sport to skateboarding or snowboarding, two popular Olympic events despite somewhat controversial beginnings. However, some pole dancers fear that the sexy side of the dance will be lost if it becomes a legitimate sport (Pole Dancing Olympic Scores: Skill- 9/Sex Appeal- 4). One thing is for true, it will be a whore of a different color without the stilettos and thongs.
To read the full article, click here.
Vagina Rejuvenation Spray
If the artificial hymen isn’t enough to prove your faux purity, now there’s Instant Virgin vagina tightening spray! Made of all natural ingredients, this new herbal spray can be applied 15 minutes prior to sex and promises to start tightening the vaginal walls immediately.
The manufacturing company states that the product is condom safe and will not affect fertility. (Yea, I don’t know that you’d want to tighten your vagina any time around pregnancy.) There’s even a money back guarantee if it does produce the desired result. (“Hey, my vagina’s still loose!”)
Daily use of the item will apparently prevent your vagina from “further aging” and provide for “total vagina rejuvenation”. (Rejuvajnation? Eh, there’s somethin’ there…) The makers continue that the item is very economically price and that after all, “Men prefer a tight vagina”. (Thanks, Captain Obvious.)
